Why you are going about "Finding Yourself" Wrong

I've always found the concept of finding yourself to be an interesting one

There have been countless interactions i have had with friends and strangers where they turn to me and say "i don't know who i am"

usually this is triggered by a break up, a build up of job dissatisfaction, a realisation they don't want to do the course/education path they had been set on doing for years, or a sudden change in environment such as moving out

It is is incredibly scary to wake up one morning and have a realisation that the mental idea you had built of who you are, what you are meant to do and why you are here suddenly crumble before you and there you are left in the complete un known. Like taking a walk or a drive in a new area and suddenly realising you have no clue where the way back is.

This is where i found myself after my first year out of high-school, my identity was wrapped up in gym culture. I was that teenager that wanted desperately to be a body builder flexing his muscles on stage to roaring crowds and showing others how to do the same. Awesome, i know.

An injury to my hand that lead too 3 months of physical therapy gave me the space i needed to ask myself for the first time, who am I?, which inevitably lead to the moment of realising i had no clue who i was or what i was actually looking for.

Where do you even start looking for an answer like that, it not in a tree somewhere...or is it?

Well, thankfully i was recommended a book by a friend, 'Green Lights, By Matthew McConaughey' this book was one of many that changed my interpretations on life. In it McConaughey discusses the concept that finding yourself is a process of elimination, "we figure out who we are not before we figure out who we are" it is also something that is incredibly uncomfortable.

and while this in my opinion is a far better concept than the pressure fuelled ideas the school system put in the minds of many, it still requires some expansion

and that expansion is to begin to develop the belief that their is no end destination for "finding yourself", a mountain with no summit, a run with no finish line.

When i began to adopt this frame of thinking i found my stress levels began to drop dramatically, like your teacher (being life) had all of a sudden said there was no due date on an assignment and that the assignment never even had to be handed in

it is the deadline that you are placing within your mind that you need to complete this process that is taking a lot of the fun out of it. I'd like to offer you an alternative way of approaching your self discovery journey, one that looks more like an endless wave that you surf forever.

first lets go back to when you were a child (bare with me here), you approached life in a curious manner, everything had the potential to be anything

from there you begin to form concepts of yourself and the world around you, you began to label things, thoughts and desires. This leads to the way you interact with the world and the questions you ask of it as an adolescence, this forms your view on life

then something happens...

you have an event in your life the surprises you, the breakup, job loss, an injury or going overseas.

Because of this event, you change

When this change occurs, you begin to ask new questions which opens the curiosity loop you had as a child where everything could be anything.

Now because the things you give your attention to have changed, so have you. You have consciously and unconsciously developed who you are, the old you is no longer.

Give life its time and another event will happen and the wave will roll through again

This process can become enjoyable if you accept that it is a natural part of being human, will it be uncomfortable? Fu*k yeah it'll be uncomfortable, but its nothing you're not cable of going through. And all the greatest realisations/accomplishments of your life were on the other end of some struggle ;)

Here is a frame work to make this simple and keep in mind

A 5 step process for this method of thinking

Step 1: Accept that finding oneself is a lifelong journey

you have you're whole life in front of you, so there is no need to rush

Step 2: Embrace discomfort as part of the process

It will be hard, and that is okay. It is often the most difficult things we go through that give us the most satisfaction in life

Step 3: Continuously challenge your beliefs and perspectives

you don’t know what you don’t know, avoid as much as you can with developing dogmatic views on any aspect of life, this keeps your experience fresh and will allow you to connect with many more people

Step 4: Maintain openness to change and personal growth

You're one and only task in life is self actualisation which is the umbrella all the goals you have fall under

Step 5: Practice self-reflection and mindfulness

Watch your thoughts as best as you can, do. not tie your identity to your thoughts as you are the observe of them, not the slave of them. There will be a coming news letter on this topic.

No matter where you are at in your current cycle, all things become easier by recognising your ability to conquer your adversities.

It is your abilitiy to change and solve your problems that make you human

I have found myself going through the wave of life many times, and i look forward to going through it many times again

This is my newest wave, learning to write and create in new content, with the hope and desire that i can provide value to you through my life teachings

Any and all feed back is welcome, this at the end of the day is one of my labours of love to myself and humanity

Thank you for taking the time to read through my first newsletter, i hope it has provided you value and something to think on for the week to come

Warm regards,

Ryan Curtin