Why you should stop trying to fit in

We live in a manicured world

From the content we see and share on social media

To the isles and shelves laid out in grocery stores

Everything is designed with the intention of looking perfect

This I'm sure some of you realise is an illusion.

If you are someone who hasn't realise this simply look in the top left corner in one off your favourite instagram profiles and see the filter tag or look at what food looks like in a commercial versus real life

Unfortunately because the world is manicured to perfection, the humans living within it have set the goal of appearing perfect

What this has resulted in is a world full of individuals behaving in accordance to what they think others want them to be

can you think of a moment where you have done this? maybe in a new group when you don't know where you fit in, a job you've had or for that girl/guy you want to like you?

Take a moment to think of when you last did this, the moment, was probably accompanied by a feeling of unease.

Why do we do this? largely because our primal selves are afraid that if we showed the world our self perceived imperfections that we would be rejected by society and shunned to our caves (our messy bedroom with the horde of empty water bottles)

I call this manicured self "the mask of perfection"

What is the issue with this?

firstly is that it is incredibly tiring upholding a persona for each interaction you have, because if you do it for one situation you will do it for multiple. And it is a lot of work keeping track of who you are for each group/person

Secondly that when we pretend to be someone else we never get to experience the relationships, work or moments that are truely for us

If you have them and i hope you do, the closet relationships you will have are the ones you are not afraid to make a fool of yourselves in front of.

And the best thing is that those individuals you behave like this in front of will often do the same with you, and you love them for it.

Isn't it crazy how you love others for what some would call imperfections?(the snorting laugh, border line ADHD conversations and reckless abandonment to be anything but themselves) Yet we wont let ourself do this on a daily basis/make it a part of who you are

So why do we wear the mask?

Because at some point in our life we developed the belief that it was more important to be liked by others than to like ourselves

The well known phrase for this frame of thinking is called people pleasing

If you relate to this, let me connect worlds with you and share two moments in my life where i was being a massive people pleaser - and f*cking exhausted while doing so

The first was in 2020 during a covid lockdown break, i was standing behind the desk at the gym i worked at on the verge of a break down as i was not in a good place mentally yet smiling and laughing with every gym junkie that was coming in at 7am on a Sunday

While i was on the phone to my manager explaining where i was at , he asked a question to me that has stuck with me forever " do you feel like you are wearing a mask when you talk to everyone in the gym?" my response was a hard felt "yes" his follow up to this was "you know everyone goes through Bull Sh*t, you don't have to pretend you're not" (- Thank you EJ)

fair to say this left my then 19 year old self with a lot to think about, could i really go about life letting people know my authentic state of being?

This was just the beginning of my lesson in the pain of being a people pleaser, the major second teaching came nearly 3 years latter

I was managing a surf shop and had my first assistant manager

It is fair to say that we did not see eye to eye,

I spent months trying to mould myself into a person that i thought they would like to work with. Breaking my mental back to again be someone i wasn't, and after a while i began to ask was i a good person or the condescending individual they made me out to be?

All of this pain was based on the perception of one person, i had good friends, a strong family connection, people on the daily that i would speak with on a deep and fulfilling level. Yet one persons opinion of me was stealing a large chunk of my day to day happiness

On a day out with my friends, the ones i wasn't afraid to be a goof ball around, that loved me for me.

It dawned on me that i had not considered the fact that it is okay to not be liked by some people

Never had it crossed my mind the ridiculousness of me thinking it was not okay to be disliked by someone

There is also nearly 8 billion people on this planet, there are many that will tolerate you, a handful that will hate you, and a few who will love you deeply for who you are

(but remember that a few people loving you for you out of 8 billion is still millions of people!)

Who’s opinion will you let be more important to you? the ones that love you for you or the ones that dislike you for their own reasons?

So do we just stop caring what people think?

My hope for you is that you will begin to accept this crazy idea, that some people are just not going to like you, and that is okay...

It is that you take of the mask of being what you think others want you to be and simply start to be

You will slowly bring into your life connections at a depth you have rarely known

my suggestion to you would be to manage who you allow to have a voice in your peace

Does this mean i will lose some people in my life?

probably yes,

And that again is okay

Many of us are so unwilling to be lonely for a season in order to develop connections that a real and not built upon an careful built but artificial identify

“Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others”
― Ichiro Kishimi, The Courage to Be Disliked

This sounds hard!

Well any change in identity is usual hard,

but lets zoom out for a moment and look at our closest friendships

I want you to ask yourself the question "was it hard to be friends with my close friends?"

Think for a moment on this

Chances are it wasn't hard to be friends with your closest mates

You didn't need to force it, it just happened

In other words, connections with the people that will love you for you are easy

So don't waste your time or anyone else's being anything but your beautiful weird and quirky self, your best connections will come from it

So here are my questions for you to ponder over the coming week

When have i felt like i am acting in a way to make other people like me?

Who are my closest friends and how do i act around them?

Is there anyones opinion of me that i am allowing to steal to much of my peace?

Is it more important for me to impress myself or other people, and am i living in accordance to this?

Thank you for taking the time to read another one of my letters

I hope this helps and the week to come brings you joy

Warm regards, Ryan